Monday, May 21, 2007

When will I be able to relax?

Now that we are dealing with this disease I often wonder when will I ever feel relaxed? Will it ever happen again? I was driving home today from a playgroup and lunch out with our playgroup friends and I passed a swimming pool. I almost instantly remembered the feeling of laying next to a calm pool in the warm sun and not thinking about anything. Falling asleep without a care in the world other then do I have enough sunscreen on. I don't think I will ever feel that way again. I was just getting to the point with Isabelle that I felt like I didn't have to watch her ever single minute of the day. She was getting old enough for me to feel comfortable with taking a nice long shower without having to stress out about leaving her alone too long. Now that feeling of relief is gone. It has been replaced by anxiety. Constant anxiety.

The kids have both finally been sleeping though the night again (Thank God!!) but I still find myself either waking up and worrying about Isabelle and if she is too low or too high or dreaming funky dreams about her or about running away from whatever is chasing me. Let me take a big guess what that is. I have to say that I am really, really, really thankful to my husband and to God that I don't have to work right now. I think if I had one more thing on my plate that I would never be able to rest.

Sorry about this post. I know that it isn't all that uplifting or even very interesting. I just needed to vent and I am kind of hoping that some of you D parents out there can give me a little feedback on how long it is before you can stop stressing completely about your child. I know that I will always worry about her and it will always be there. I'm just hoping that I can get to relax a little sometime soon. We are headed for the beach this weekend so I hope that will help.


Shannon said...

It takes a while to feel at ease in some situations. But in other situations, it's as though it's all new.

Like at home, I don't feel anxiety about him being awake before me in the morning.

But if he's at a friend's house, I feel nervous because I'm not there to check him if I think he's been playing for a long time.

I think there will always be some inkling of worry. It's cold comfort to know that we'd worry in some capacity about something even if diabetes weren't in the picture.

I guess worry, no matter what, comes with the territory of being a mom.

Email me anytime you need to vent or trade notes :)

Jamie said...

Hi Lisa. Thanks for commenting on my blog :)

I'm with Shannon on this one. I'd say it took me almost a year after diagnosis before I got more comfortable with the dealings of the disease. I worry - but not as bad as I used to. It's always there, but it's become such an ingrained part of our day to day existence that we just do it and deal with it and get on with things.

It's not easy getting to that point though. I still have moments where I get mad/frustrated/upset and sad about it all. New adventures for Dani always throw me for a loop, like starting preschool, baseball, gymnastics -things like that. Each new step in her life we have to deal with this monkey on her back - but we do it and let her live life to its fullest.

Hang in there - things will get better - but as a Mom, you'll never stop worrying about her. Diabetes - or not :)

Anonymous said...

I hate to tell you, but you will NEVER relax like BC(BEFORE CHILDREN), now that I have busted your bubble, there is a bright side...your NOT ALONE! And, it isn't the diabetes that gives you that feeling.

Your doing such a wonderful job...I just thank God that Issy has YOU for a Mom, one that really cares and takes the time and energy to really spend time with her. Even when she is confused and upset, she loves you so much. As I watch you with her, your everything I wish I could have been for YOU. You make me so proud to see the wonderful job your doing. God isn't going to give you more than you can handle...He MUST trust you very much and know that you can handle this. We always have you in our pryaers, and I have been praying about keeping Issy for a week or so here ALONE, without you, and I am feeling stronger about it! I know I can't put your mind at ease, but sometimes stepping back and restarting helps. Just know that I love you very much!

Lisa said...

Thanks Shannon! I know that we moms worry if they have diabetes or not. I meant to put that in the post, but I forgot. My brain is mush these days. Thanks for the support. I may e-mail you sometime soon.

Lisa said...

Thanks Jamie! I am looking forward to the summer because I will get to watch her all of the time. I'm also dreading it for the same reason. LOL! I am hoping to feel a little more at ease with the whole situation before she starts pre-school 3 days a week next fall. Thanks for the support.

Lisa said...

Mom, do you think I would be even half as good at being a mother if I didn't have you? You have taught me more then I could ever tell you. I can't imagine my life without you. I love you!